Panda Musings

Where I say what I'm thinking when it's too long for a facebook update - and not private enough to be locked away on livejournal
May 24
Big Mayo Will Destroy Us All

thejerkstore:

I hate mayonnaise. I hate it, and I’ve hated it my entire life. But I can’t seem to escape it. You mayo-haters out there know what I mean. You walk into a restaurant, you order something and say, “but no mayo,” then when it’s delivered to you not only is there mayo on it, there is an OFFENSIVE amount of mayo on it

I second this entire post, and would like to add my own addendum regarding sour cream. I fucking hate sour cream. The sight of it induces disgust; the smell of it induces gagging; and the taste of it? Literally vomit. The problem is, I love Mexican food. Not fake-ass Americanized Mexican food, but the real shit. Sour cream is nowhere to be found. But that wasn’t good enough for you fat fucks, so you had to load everything with cheddar cheese and globs of rotten milk, and now I can’t escape the shit. You think getting mayo off of a sandwich is hard? Try getting sour cream off of anything. 

In conclusion, fuck you, sour cream. 



Yep, exactly all of this.
April 6
“ I have said that Texas is a state of mind, but I think it is more than that. It is a mystique closely approximating a religion. And this is true to the extent that people either passionately love Texas or passionately hate it and, as in other religions, few people dare to inspect it for fear of losing their bearings in mystery or paradox. But I think there will be little quarrel with my feeling that Texas is one thing. For all its enormous range of space, climate, and physical appearance, and for all the internal squabbles, contentions, and strivings, Texas has a tight cohesiveness perhaps stronger than any other section of America. Rich, poor, Panhandle, Gulf, city, country, Texas is the obsession, the proper study, and the passionate possession of all Texans.”
― John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America Texas forever. Never forget

(Source: pilatesandgin)
March 22

If you don’t fall in love with this, I’m not sure we can be friends

(Source: pilatesandgin)

March 19
I have a friend going through a rough time with a missing animal. I can’t even imagine her heartache, I’ve never lost an animal, I’ve had to put them down or they unexpectedly died, but they’ve never gone missing (well I take that back I had 2 huskies growing up who just couldn’t be tamed, but we came to terms with their wandering nature and when they left for good it was what was supposed to happen). There is a part if my heart that just aches for her, but nowhere near her pain. So go now. Hug your furbabies tight and tell them you love them, nothing can replace them when they’re gone and we sometimes take their love for granted. They have that unconditional love that few humans can muster. I know my pup greets me daily to tell me about his day, knows when I have a bad one, and breaks all the furniture rules when I’m just so very sad and nothing but his snuggles or a bottle of whiskey can cure. He usually makes me not even need the whiskey. he greets me in that goofy puppy way whenever I walk in a room, talks to me when he’s lonely and makes me laugh uncontrollably at times when he’s just doing those doggy things he do. As silly as it seems, I tell him goodbye every morning, I tell him when I’m coming back and I tell him I love him every day. I also apologize when I’m late, when I oversleep and when I accidentally run out of food and have to run to to the store. And when I come home from work I ask him how his day was and listen. Now, all of this could be that I live alone, but I honestly talk to him at times more than some roommates I’ve had. Now, go love on your animals, because they’d love in you 24/7 if you’d let them.

I have a friend going through a rough time with a missing animal. I can’t even imagine her heartache, I’ve never lost an animal, I’ve had to put them down or they unexpectedly died, but they’ve never gone missing (well I take that back I had 2 huskies growing up who just couldn’t be tamed, but we came to terms with their wandering nature and when they left for good it was what was supposed to happen). There is a part if my heart that just aches for her, but nowhere near her pain. So go now. Hug your furbabies tight and tell them you love them, nothing can replace them when they’re gone and we sometimes take their love for granted. They have that unconditional love that few humans can muster. I know my pup greets me daily to tell me about his day, knows when I have a bad one, and breaks all the furniture rules when I’m just so very sad and nothing but his snuggles or a bottle of whiskey can cure. He usually makes me not even need the whiskey. he greets me in that goofy puppy way whenever I walk in a room, talks to me when he’s lonely and makes me laugh uncontrollably at times when he’s just doing those doggy things he do.

As silly as it seems, I tell him goodbye every morning, I tell him when I’m coming back and I tell him I love him every day. I also apologize when I’m late, when I oversleep and when I accidentally run out of food and have to run to to the store. And when I come home from work I ask him how his day was and listen. Now, all of this could be that I live alone, but I honestly talk to him at times more than some roommates I’ve had. Now, go love on your animals, because they’d love in you 24/7 if you’d let them.

July 4

Hmm, don’t read this.

Because its sad & mopey and very much not meant to be pity me, but it will come across as such.

I’m kind of sad tonight. Holiday weekends are meant to be spent with family & friends. I’m surrounded by people I know here, but all but one (and she knows who she is & I’ll be forever grateful for her befriending me here) I wouldn’t actually call friends.

I’ve known 2 people that have come to PCB in the last few months & didn’t get to see them. They were busy or whatever. I don’t want to monopolize their vacation, just would have been nice to spend an hour with a face from home. Whatever, its whatever.

I guess, it hit me that my birthday is like a month away & no one will be around to help me celebrate. No parties, no presents. Not that presents make a birthday, but they’re nice. I like giving presents more than I like giving them, and I haven’t been able to celebrate birthdays with any of my friends.

I’m used to being surrounded by friends & family for at least a week with a huge party to finalize the whole ordeal and I won’t get that this year.

I’ve been incredibly homesick since I got back from Texas in June & haven’t been real vocal about it. Figured everyone was tired of hearing it. It just sucks that when I go home I see everyone (almost) that I love & adore & when I get back…I see the same 5 people I see every week. And my friends, the really good ones, are good about checking in occasionally off facebook to see how I am.

I guess I just miss my social circle, I miss being able to call Holly & hitting a show. I miss sharing smokes with Jess. I miss the awesome nights Stepha & I have with those two. (And our solo hangouts) I miss hanging out w/Kara and hashing through our shit (which, I think we both consistently need). I miss Texas country sing-a-longs with Erica. I miss Ellie’s constant energy and by proxy Justin’s conversations (not a diss Justin, I just never see him w/out Ellie). I miss hanging with Katy on our respective sides of the bar hashing out world problems. I miss the random ladies nights with Stacy & April. I miss Marty & Kyle. I miss Eddie & Tuesday nights & the random amazing conversations we have. I miss Sunday Funday. I miss Jenny & brunch. I miss my family. I miss Bike Nights. I miss the Saucer. I miss the Pablos. I miss happy hours at Dublin Square. I miss Tex-Mex. I miss JKL. I miss the Apple hangouts with Bill & Emily (and jason - maybe even Chad…) And anyone I didn’t name, I miss you too.

Fuck I just miss everything.

Sorry - I needed to word this out so I didn’t cry it out.

So - back to regular programming.

June 28
thejerkstore: hennnypotter: the world is filled with beautiful people. check out these pugs lmao Oh holy shit, best pugs ever!

thejerkstore:

hennnypotter:

the world is filled with beautiful people.

check out these pugs lmao

Oh holy shit, best pugs ever!

+
Vote for Mike Napoli's new walk-up song!

fuckyeahtexasrangers:

your choices are:

  • Take My Breath Away
  • I’m Too Sexy
  • Ice Ice Baby

Haha, I love Nap so much. If he’d shake his booty to ice ice baby that’d be my vote.
June 26

Inside a girl’s head…

…Is a very strange place. I pride myself on not being a “girly girl” and being incredibly independent. I don’t “need” a man, but having one would be nice.
I’ve always said I never ever ever want kids, I’ve said this since I was 14. I really don’t. But this last week I spent 4 days with my cousins & their kids, ages - 8 months, 2 years, 3. Years, 4 years and 6 years. And honestly - something weird stirred within me. I loved spending time with those kids, and when the 6YO broke down crying saying goodbye to everyone it broke my heart. Broke my fucking heart. Hearing those kids say “I love you” melted something in me I never thought I even had.
I don’t think it means I want kids, but I do think it means I want to have kids in my life. Not that I want to be a parent, but I wish that I was closer to my cousins. The 3YO is 4 hours away in Jax, and I really need to make the effort to go see him more. Especially since his dad is gone for 6 months.
But that opened the Pandora’s Box of “what does this feeling mean!” So of course my damn head goes to the ex and I thought “man, his boys would have loved a trip like this, their bitchass mom will never do anything like this with them, and their dad wouldn’t think to do anything like this either” - which of fucking course takes me to - “what could I have done differently to make our relationship work” which then led me to “when exactly did it go wrong?” And that just kept going & going. But oddly, the “closure” or whatever the fuck you want to call it I thought I had, I realized I didn’t. Until I said these words out loud “It just wasn’t meant to be forever” All the good feelings I felt & all the funtimes we had? I still cried more tears than I should have over someone who was supposed to love me.
Then, I went on a rampant single girl date/hookup fest that only girls in their 20s do, not women my age. But, I do want the relationship. I just can’t right now, I don’t know where I’m going to be in a year. And that sucks. Maybe is should get knocked up & be attached so’s I can put down some solid roots. I kid, I kid. I’ll hate kids again the next time I’m around them in public.
So, my brain is a weird place to be, I went from twinging about having children, to thinking about who I wanna hook-up with. Heh. So, yeah. There’s that.

June 6

A girl likes being called beautiful

So. I just had a great weekend.

Lots of being out, drinking laughing & just thoroughly enjoying myself. And well, it happened. I fell in love with this town. I never thought I would…and I did.
PCB has such a diversity to it, and I got to see it this weekend. It really is a good little town. Now, I can’t wait to get back to Texas, but this place has grown on me.

I decided that I needed to quit hoping for a move home & just enjoy it here for as long as it lasted, and well. I enjoyed it.

And…I got a phone number from a Biker boy - but nothing serious. He’s leaving in a month to get on a boat for a year, but he calls me beautiful & I don’t mind hearing that ;)

So here’s to this town & what I hope is the most kickass summer ever.

May 24

Being a girl is hard…

I’m lonely. Seriously lonely. I have a few friends, but they have established lives here that I never fit into until the last few months. And they’re great friends, don’t get me wrong. But, I miss the days of having someone to hang out with every day of the week. I go to the bar to see my friends, just like I did back at home, but well…its not the same. When you only have a few bars to go to, its just weird. I’m in a rut, and I need to get out of it. I’m upset at my weight and I’m lonely and I drink too much sometimes which is all just a really bad idea to go somewhere I’m not “safe”. 

Yes, I do sleep in my truck after I’ve had too much. And I usually only drink too much when I’m having a fan-fucking-tastic time or when I’m upset or emotional. Yay. I’m on my low dose BC pills this week, which means I’m crazy emotional. And I don’t mean like crying and snapping at people for no reason. I mean I go “Crazy Girl” on dudes that have no business getting all “Crazy Girl” over. I go into these bi-polar mood swings where I”m super up, then Super down. Its awful. I also get real fucking bitchy. Any of my tweeps who read this - you know what I’m talking about. I guess the fact I’m emotional means I allow myself to be the bitch I want to be. I kind of hate it. 

But then again? I really don’t. Its me, take it or leave it. My feelings don’t get hurt easily, unless I hurt them myself. And, sadly I only care about a few people’s feelings enough to care if I hurt them. I unfriend people to save them the pain. I like a few people enough to care about their feelings so I try to be nice and not hurt them, but I’m actually a pretty awful person. 

You know that phrase? “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”? Yeah, I don’t subscribe to that. I subscribe to the “If you don’t like what I’m saying, stop listening.” theory. However rude that is, I don’t care. I work in HR, I have to be PC in my work life 100% of the time, I have to suppress 90% of who I am except what’s “Work Safe” and so when I’m off work I just let go and Explode with everything I’ve been thinking all day and just let them go. Its a horrible coping mechanism, I know this. But its what I do. 

I drink too much sometimes too, sometimes. Once every couple of weeks. I go days during the week where I don’t have a single alcoholic beverage. My liver thanks me. 

I’m also kind of pissed…I had a friend come stay in PCB for a weekend and didn’t even offer to hang out with me once. I shouldn’t be, hell he didn’t even know I moved to PCB - yeah, never said a think about moving on Facebook. Never talk about not living in TX anymore…whatever. I’m annoyed with him. Yes, you were on vacation. yes you were hanging with your wife (who I adore BTW) but you couldn’t even take 1 minute to invite me over to the bar for a beer? See if I ever go out of my way to help you again…

I have no idea where this is going, I’m just verbal (written?) diarrheaing all over the place. 

I guess what I’m trying to say…is that I’m a pathetic girl. I latch on to boys and can’t let go until another comes along.  This dude here I hooked up with a couple of times (and by hooked up, I was the last thing at the bar willing…what? he’s hot and from Texas and country - I can’t say no) was out the other night. I know there will never be anything between us and he just uses me for sex. (I am okay with all of this BTW - he’s hot and he is damn good in bed. Damn good.) And damn, I was so mad at him for not wanting more from me - this is completely irrational! I know this! Why the fuck am I acting like this???? All that went through my head Friday night - and then I promptly drank like a goddamned fish to get it out. Took a ride on a motorcycle with a new pal, after hot boy left and we randomly ran into him at the last bar we went to - and I’m pretty sure I made my new pal feel like shit cause I probably went a little crazy girl.  And I made out with another dude, because it was attention. Now, I feel bad, because this dude might genuinely like me, but I pretty much just use him to make me feel better about myself. I know this is wrong, but I still do it…I’m a horrible person. See, I told you. 

I had a friend back home describe me as a dude with boobs. I think he’s right. And when I’m girly, I’m every horrible cliche ever. When I’m not girly - I’m the best dude friend ever. And this is probably why I’m single - my Ex loved my not girly side, hated my girly side. He couldn’t handle it, I take that back. He could handle my girly side when it wasn’t directed at him. When I just needed him to hold me, he was totally okay with that, but when I wanted to talk about “us” or my “feelings” he couldn’t hack that. I guess I got more boobs than dude on him so that’s why we fell apart. Oh well, not going to dwell on that. I have a another country ass Texas boy to obsess over.

Haha, I kid, I kid. Maybe.

Thank you pals for putting up with and reading this shit - my brain is an odd place to be at times.